And the bassist who insisted I listen to 10 minutes of his music while he watched me react to it.And the winner who showed up in sweatpants and couldn’t buy me a drink because he’d spent his last on a beer and wings special for himself. And there’ve been wonderful guys in the mix too, most of whom fizzled out because in this city, it’s just really hard to fit two people, and their ambitions, into one relationship. ”) Maybe a change of location — to New Bern, North Carolina; Miami, Florida; Austin, Texas; Sioux Falls, South Dakota; Detroit, Michigan; and Los Angeles, California — was the answer. I've met guys in bars, at parties, while snowboarding, through friends, and online via Ok Cupid, Match, Tinder, Hinge, Happn, Bumble, The League, How About We, Coffee Meets Bagel, and even Nerve.com, a site for “literary smut” that hosted online personals in that early-aughts dark age before smartphones.

Ok Cupid became less of a hookup app and more of a—ew—relationship app.

Ok Cupid is no longer for one-night stands, thus the chance of instant sex is rare.

and I'm not talking about sugar-free carbonated soft drinks.

We live in a fluff-free era—people know what they want and aren't afraid to express their opinion in ALL CAPS, followed by a series of passive-aggressive emojis. In hopes of answering your burning questions, here are 13 dating apps ranked (lovingly and subjectively) on how likely you are to end up takin' old one-eye to the optometrist.

The sole review on the app's page summarizes it nicely: "You buy points to promote yourself, and to view/ message other ppl, and to see who liked you. $15 down the drain." The transition from desktop to mobile for websites is a bit like the great change from silent films to talkies during the late 1920s. Unfortunately, POF seems to be succumbing to the same fate.

Some film stars made it and some didn't—take Buster Keaton, for example, he tried singing. People want sex and they want it now—from the moment the app is downloaded to the moment of the actual date, the number of steps is, frankly, too high.

However, you will be getting LAID EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (of the first Monday of the month when it's convenient) when you're married. Like Beanie Babies were supposed to do in the 21st century, Hot or Not made a legit comeback with its app. In the spirit of love, harmony, and unbridled passion, 3nder brings people together for the sole purpose of participating in a threesome. Burns is told that he has literally every disease in the world, but they've all balanced themselves out within his body and are keeping him alive. At first, yes—now people Tinder at work, in meetings, maybe during lunch, and DEFINITELY during Bar Mitzvahs.

What's especially satisfying is the taboo-free interface that, frankly, allows you to get as taboo as you want. Let it be known that Luxy only ranks high in this list because hundred-dollar bills are a straight-up aphrodisiac in America. I mean, you've got to know that people are down to clown if you match on 3nder—no one's on this app in hopes of finding a meaningful relationship with two dudes named Brad. Grouper has taken every part of a bad date and stuck them together until a good date is formed: rich tech kids, strangers, bad wingmen, and micromanagement. So when four aroused like-minded individuals are in an enclosed environment under the guise of bragging about their startup until someone's pants come off...well, that leads to a new sexual move called "The Steve Hand Job." Tinder is about as 21st century as it gets. Tinder has become tricky in the sense that some people have caught on and realized there are decent human being on this app...however, if you swipe right on a Saturday at 2 a.m., you're not going to wake up alone—OR ALIVE. When you have a successful business and a whittled-down user population, you're going to have one successful hookup app.

Dating is the same—we've reached critical mass, and that critical mass is critical on getting their mass touched. Anyway, with the act of dating living solely on a mobile platform, the dating app reigns supreme. Hey, gotta quench that thirst somehow—what's that famous Mother Teresa quote?

Oh yes: "Get it girl, get it get it get it, girl." A dating app that allows people to meet based on their intellectual capacities rather than their looks! But, you know what happens when two smart people meet?

What's more sexy than finding sex on a sex-free app? We support our prior statement that "Luxy is a dating app for giant rich douches," but we generally hope that everyone on Luxy loses all their money in a Ponzi scheme. You're set up on a foursome with a friend and two anonymous people and are told to go into a restaurant until sparks fly. Grindr actually predates Tinder by three years and absolutely nailed the dating game by simply giving people what they want: nearby folks who want to take the scenic route to the bone zone.