A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them. I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.

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I’m not being mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell and I like to joke around.

I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously.

They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.

Police pulls over a speeding car: COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day.

To help you out, we listed some of the best sarcastic quotes here. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.

I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face!