'…One year after and we are all healthy and I've got my daughter back, and good things have come from it. "I put it on my vision board last year that my ideal man would be 6 feet or taller, and would never had known me from TV—and knows me for me, be Christian, and have a family that my daughter would love. I don't know if I will ever love the way I loved again. I need to know that I am special or that I am thought about and he didn't know that about me, he just did it! This is not my issue, this is Brook's issue.' So that is when I started getting mad like, why should I be intimidated, why should I be scared of talking to these women? That's like if one of their husbands did something, would I blame them? "Let's talk Tamra."Oh, the little girl, my spitfire, my stir-the-spot, stir-the-pot, that is her claim to fame. I mean, you can be friends with Tamra in one minute, and in one hour she can turn on you…And I would have never had her back had I still been with Brooks, and that is the most important thing."How has your relationship with Briana changed? All of these amazing things and every single one came true with him! I don't know if it's a life-long relationship…"You deserve it."But he deserves me [she laughs]. In Ireland there were a dozen red roses and I was like, 'Are you for real? The hard part for me was, 'How do I get blamed for something that is dead? She can talk crap about me for years but if I say one thing, she blasts me. I am actually quite emotionless about it."I think when I have been betrayed by a female friend it's almost been more painful than being betrayed by a man."It hurt but I expected it from her.But that's not your fault…"I'm not getting blamed for it."No."Shame on the women for making me feel like I did something wrong.

dating in orange county-33dating in orange county-88

What followed was an honest and heartfelt conversation, as Vicki explained how it felt to fall in love with the "wrong man" and then fight the battle of her life to bounce back. It was just all this emptiness that had happened in my life and I had this big house and I just…I cried. So I think that was my biggest thing this year, getting back on the season, is handling all of those issues that they thought I [lied]."The hardest thing about betrayal can be the judgment, when other people question why you didn't notice the red flags."Yeah, they were pink and yellow, they were not red. He's good, I'm good and [she shrugs] life goes on."Where are you now on the cancer issue?

Here are excerpts from our nearly hour-long conversation: It takes balls to sit down with me."It's OK, I've got balls somewhere in there."Let's get the elephant out of the room first…"Yeah, absolutely. Let's do it."How are you feeling about Brooks at the moment? I asked God for answers and I journaled a lot…I can't hold a grudge or hatred towards him…I asked God to allow me to forgive him…"I'll get it out in the room: I never lied for him, ever, and the fact that the cast members tried to pin me up against the wall in different schematics was really hurtful."You were potentially betrayed twice, by him and your friends."I know…I was so hurt on how they reacted to the information being relayed from him. [She shakes her head.] I'm not a detective, I trust everybody…Why would I think it's a lie? "I do believe there were lies being told, I don't know to what level.

He lied to everyone else for whatever reason, I don't know and I will never know why he did what he did.

Vicki and Brooks split up in the months before his sit-down with E! "August 4th," Vicki reminds me of the exact date she saw him, his face clearly etched in her memory.

News uncovered one of the biggest scandals in reality TV history about Vicki Gunvalson's ex-boyfriend Brooks Ayers.

I loved him, that's all I can go to bed with."It's been six months since E!

"I was depressed…In the deepest…deep, deep, deep, deep…"Were you suicidal?

"I would never take my life but I was at the lowest place I had ever been in my life.

My emotions are still sad more than anything that, number one, I have known this man for 10 years. Why would he spend that much money if he wasn't sick? I didn't think I had the strength but, you know, my story wasn't finished. I started at 42 years old, I just turned 54, so I started 12 years ago."That is a long time…"I am not going to let these women have the last say in what they believe the truth was.

I don't know…there are a lot of questions that I will never know [the answers to] but it wasn't like he was totally healthy the whole time."When we uncovered that the medical documents he had given us were fake, how did it feel? And I'll never know the truth, 100-percent the truth. And it's over, it's done, I wish no harm for him, but I don't want him harming me, you know."Yes, it's done. I know my truth and my truth is what I've said—and did I want compassion for him? I wanted them to be compassionate for the man that I loved who they have been targeting. So I wanted her to show some compassion with somebody being sick, whether he's got a virus or whether he's got cancer…

And if I worry about that and fester about it, with how busy my life is, I am going to be stuck. And I didn't want her coming out saying, 'You folded because we are all right.' They're not all right."Do you think coming back this season means you have been able to turn things around?