Thousands of contestants auditioned, but only one will win the title of America's Best Dancer, a half-million-dollar-prize, and a role in a real Broadway musical." (clip of Spider-Man falling onto a dancer, as a real actor did in Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark on Dec. And I don't want to alarm you, but honest to God, we're knee deep in rats now with the garbage.

Several dozen phony black bird carcasses fall to the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Dave believes it's a delivery for Rupert's Hello Deli.

••• John Boehner was sworn in as Speaker of the House today. ••• New York City sponsored El Blizzardo Grande on December 27. / Photoshop fun: Stuffed-full trash bags are piled up almost to the top of the Late Show marquee. ••• As many as 5,000 deceased blackbirds were found around Beebe, Arkansas the other day. But one thing is clear." (product logo): Popeyes Fried Blackbirds™ (voice-over): "Now's the time to try Arkansas Broilers™ from Popeyes®!

Dave's never pleased when someone tries to make a buck off a bad situation. " (clip): happy kids munching on bird (voice-over): "Your family will love the different taste, and you'll love the savings we pass on by salvaging dead birds! Dave says horsedjoy and gets the Late Show aaoogah horn.

••• Paula Abdul's Live to Dance premiered tonight on CBS.

/ promo video: (clip of Paula) (voice-over): "Tuesday on CBS, Paula Abdul returns in Live to Dance. 1/06/11 [3424]: New York's just beginning to dig out of the garbage backlog from the Dec. / video: Two kids, all bundled up, are building a garbage man outside. ••• monologue: "And with so much garbage, the rats are crazy.

(Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. " ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel: Dave says, "This is how we make a living!

We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.

He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011: ••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks.

27, which fouled up transportation and services somethin' awful. "It stinks of death over here, Dave," Alan reports.

Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won." (Joe): "Yes, please." (Dave forks over his jackpot. " ••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. " (Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. " (Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.) (Bob): "No." (Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear? Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross.